Tuesday, 2 April 2013


Free at last, free at last, thank the Universe I'm free at last! Hmmm, now what? There ought to be a lesbian handbook I can consult that would tell me what to do when you split up and She-who-cannot-be-named gets to keep the friends – not that I would want them.
Anyhoo, it gets me to thinking – there should be a welcome pack awarded when you come out:
* k d Lang CD
* 'Bound' DVD
* Some dental dams (and instructions!)
* A bunch of takeaway menus
* Style guide (femme, stem, futch, butch, lone star, gold star, lipstick, chapstick, diesel dyke,
baby dyke, pillow queen, stone butch, boi, stud, lug, kiki, gayelle, etc. I mean, ffs!!)
* Packing boxes sporting a very large warning sticker if you've been together less than a
month that says 'Stop, put the boxes down, have a cup of tea, write a list of pros and cons, and if you still want to move in with her, DON'T – even if she's being evicted, has no money and none of her family will let her stay with them – there's probably a very good reason! Like deep down maybe she's not a very nice person.'
Anyway, all that's by the by, because here I am. At least I got two of the three dogs (stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason!), but I need some friends. Don't get me wrong, I'm super-happy to be single – having just gone through two years of a million reasons why you shouldn't be with just anyone to avoid being alone, but I would love to hang out with people of like-mind, i.e. lady-lovers.
I've seen lots of lesbians wandering around Southend, but I can't just saunter up to them and say 'Hey, you look gay, do you want a friend/dogsitter/project?' And I can't go to the local lesbian bar, because She-whose-name-shall-never-again-be-uttered could be there with her friends - not my kind of people.
So, to good-old-Google I turn. Upon doing so, I discover very, very few choices in my area. There is one – Women4Women – that sounds vaguely interesting. But am I brave enough to go along to an event on my own? Am I Heck! I'll either drag my straight friend (who's been showing signs of being bi-curious), or wait 'til one of my gay friends from London is visiting. I'm not going to get my hopes up though – it could just be a bunch of desperate un-dateables clinging to each other for grim death, or rather in mortal fear of living – gasp - alone.
Wish me luck and watch this space...